THE SPERM DONOR
"GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER?"
by
Mark Treitel & Shoe Schuster

ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. OFFICE - DAY (D-1)

(KAITLYN, MAN EXTRA)
KAITLYN DONNINGTON, ATTRACTIVE, MID 30’S, TIGHTLY WOUND, SITS AT HER DESK. SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH -- SHE’S MADE A DECISION. SHE REACHES FOR THE PHONE AND DIALS.

ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.)
(AUTOMATED) Please leave a message.
SFX: ANSWERING MACHINE TONE

KAITLYNThis is Kaitlyn Donnington. We were involved in a business transaction thirteen years ago. I bought your sperm. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I’m not calling to complain or anything. It was great. It took. Anyhoo, you’ve got a daughter. (LIGHTLY) Call me.

SHE HANGS UP, THEN --
KAITLYN (CONT’D)
I didn’t leave my number.
SHE HITS REDIAL.
ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.)
Please leave a message.
SFX: TONE

KAITLYN
Me again. I didn’t mean to sound
flippant just then.

(MORE)

SHE HANGS UP AGAIN, SHAKES HER HEAD, THEN HITS REDIAL AGAIN.
ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.)
Please leave a message.
SFX: TONE

KAITLYN
I didn’t mean you need to do fatherly
things. You know, like embarrass her
by taking her to buy her first bra,
but maybe that was just my Dad. (LAUGHS) Anyhoo, no pressure, but call me. Soon. My number’s 555-0113. My cell’s 555-0114. My fax is -- why am I giving you my fax number, I sound like a lunatic. (OFF WATCH) Oh my God, I’ve gotta go! I have a therapy appointment.

SHE HANGS UP AND TURNS TO A COUCH ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
ROOM, WHERE A MAN IN A BUSINESS SUIT SITS.

KAITLYN (CONT’D)
I’m sorry to keep you waiting, Mr.
Milchick. (PROFESSIONAL VOICE) So,
how long have you been cross dressing?

THE MAN CROSSES HIS LEGS, REVEALING A PAIR OF STILETTOS.
KAITLYN (CONT’D)
And where did you get those shoes?
ON HER REACTION, WE:
DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DONNINGTON LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM - EVENING (N-2)

(KAITLYN, CLYDE, BROOKE, DALTON)
KAITLYN ENTERS, CARRYING A SERVING BOWL OF CAVIAR AND
CRACKERS. SHE SETS IT DOWN ON THE BUFFET AND STARTS
STRAIGHTENING HER ALREADY CLEAN, VERY ORGANIZED HOUSE.
BROOKE ENTERS. SHE’S 13, REBELLIOUS, IN A PRIVATE SCHOOL UNIFORM WITH A PUNK EDGE. SHE DROPS HER BACKPACK ON THE FLOOR, HER JACKET ON THE COFFEE TABLE, AND PLOPS ON THE COUCH WITH HER BOOKS.

BROOKE
Hey, Mom. How was work?

KAITLYN
Fine, and I’d ask you how school was,
but your principal called to say you
skipped out after second period.

BROOKE
Oh, you heard about that mix-up, huh?
It’s really kinda funny. There’s this
girl whose name is one letter off from
me and she got sick and hurled...
You’re not buyin’ this, are you?

KAITLYN
Brooke, this is the third time this
month you’ve cut school. Why?

BROOKE
(BEAT) God told me to.
KAITLYN STARTS PICKING UP BROOKE’S DISCARDED BACKPACK, BOOKS
AND JACKET.

KAITLYN
We’re way past brochures. I’ve
already ordered your orange jumpsuit.

KAITLYN NOTICES ONE OF THE WINE GLASSES ON THE COFFEE TABLE
IS DIRTY AND CROSSES INTO THE DINING ROOM WITH IT. BROOKE
FOLLOWS.

KAITLYN (CONT’D)
(WITH DIFFICULTY) There’s something
much more pressing we need to deal
with now. We’re having a guest for
dinner.

BROOKE
Who?
KAITLYN CLEANS THE DIRTY WINE GLASS WITH A NAPKIN FROM THE
DINING ROOM TABLE.

KAITLYN
(EXCITED) If you could meet anyone in
the world who would it be?

BROOKE
Kelly Osbourne.
KAITLYN
No. Even better.
BROOKE
Jack Osbourne!

KAITLYN
How about the missing link in your DNA
chain?

BROOKE
My... father? Why would I want to
meet him?

KAITLYN
Honey, in psychological terms, your
inner child is grasping at anything to
fill your deep emotional void.

BROOKE
I cut school to go to the mall, so you
tracked down your sperm donor?
Overreact much?!

BROOKE DUMPS HER STUFF ON THE DINING ROOM TABLE AND CHAIR.

KAITLYN
Aren’t you the least bit curious?
Don’t you want to know who he is?
What he’s like?

BROOKEI know who he is. Another “you” breathing down my neck. You should have at least asked me.

KAITLYN
I thought you’d want to meet him.
SFX: DOORBELL RINGS
KAITLYN (CONT’D)
(TIMID) Want to meet him?
KAITLYN HANDS BROOKE BACK ALL OF HER STUFF AGAIN AND HEADS
FOR THE DOOR. BROOKE FOLLOWS.

BROOKE
Is there a psychological term for
being dishonest and manipulative?

KAITLYN
Yes. It’s called parenting.
KAITLYN FIXES BROOKE’S HAIR, THEN OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL
DALTON DONNINGTON, LATE 20’S, A PREPPIE YALE MAN WITH AIRS HE
DOESN’T DESERVE. HE ENTERS, CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RED WINE,
AND KISSES BROOKE ON THE HEAD.

BROOKE
Uncle Dalton’s my dad? Great, now I
really need a shrink.

DALTON
(TO KAITLYN) A nice merlot for you.
And for my Brooke, the Olsen Twins’
platinum DVD collection. It’s got all
kinds of fun trivia like, do you know
how to tell Mary Kate and Ashley
apart?

DALTON HANDS BROOKE A DVD.
BROOKE
Someone’s been reading my diary.
BROOKE PUTS THE DVD DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

DALTON
Or it could make a terrific coaster.
(THEN) I take it your little family
reunion hasn’t begun yet?

HE CROSSES INTO THE ROOM AND DIPS A CRACKER IN A SERVING BOWL.

DALTON (CONT’D)
What are you waiting for? Make room
for Daddy.

KAITLYN PREPARES HERSELF THEN OPENS THE DOOR. STANDING THERE
IS CLYDE, MID 30’S. A FUN-LOVING, LIVING-IN-THE-MOMENT,
REBELLIOUS GUY IN A BEAT UP LEATHER JACKET.

CLYDE
Whoa, Kaitlyn. What up? You smell
good.

CLYDE ENTERS AND GRABS HER IN A STRONG BEAR HUG. SHE’S A STIFF BOARD. THEN, CLYDE SEES DALTON AND PICKS HIM UP IN THE SAME WAY THAT HE PICKED UP KAITLYN.

CLYDE (CONT’D)
Dude! Good for you, Kaitlyn. Finally
landed yourself a stud.

KAITLYN
Actually, this is my brother, Dalton.
CLYDE
I’m Clyde.

DALTON
I’m thrilled. (SOTTO, TO KAITLYN)
I’ll get the straw for his mer-lot.

HE CROSSES TO THE SIDE BOARD FOR THE WINE OPENER. DURING THE
FOLLOWING SPEECH, CLYDE MAKES HIMSELF AT HOME: HE DROPS HIS
BACKPACK ON THE FLOOR AND HIS JACKET ON THE COUCH.

CLYDE
(TO KAITLYN) Okay, don’t freak. I was
checking out your neighbor and I kinda
parked my bike in your azaleas.

(MORE)

Situation: Comedy/Sperm Donor 12.SHOOTING DRAFT - Revision #1 (Blue) - 12/18/04 I/BCLYDE (CONT'D)Good news is, the bike is fine. (SURVEYS THE ROOM) Wow, clean, tidy crib. Feels like I’m visiting someone in rehab. KAITLYNThank you. It was between that and

Country French.
ANGLE ON: BROOKE, IN A DIFFERENT T-SHIRT, ENTERS FROM THE
STAIRS. HER EYES MEET CLYDE’S. THEY’RE DRAWN TO EACH OTHER.

CLYDE

Whoa. You’re my kid?

BROOKE

You’re my father? (STARES AT HIM FOR A

LONG BEAT) Shut-up!

HE SWOOPS HER UP IN A BEAR HUG. AS KAITLYN TURNS TO DALTON,
HORRIFIED, WE:
FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

INT. DONNINGTON LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT (N-2)

(KAITLYN, CLYDE, BROOKE, DALTON)
KAITLYN AND DALTON ARE IN THE ALCOVE, ENTERING FROM THE
KITCHEN. KAITLYN IS CARRYING A BOWL OF BRUSSEL SPROUTS.
DALTON HAS THE OPEN BOTTLE OF WINE.

KAITLYN
There’s got to be more to this man
than meets the eye. I’m sure we can
still have a lovely dinner.

CLYDE AND BROOKE SIT AT THE ELEGANTLY SET TABLE, IN THE
MIDDLE OF DINNER. CLYDE AND BROOKE HAVE PITTED BLACK OLIVES
ON EIGHT OF THEIR FINGERS.

CLYDE
Ready, Brooklyn? Go!
THEY RACE TO GOBBLE ALL OF THE OLIVES ON THEIR FINGERS AS
KAITLYN AND DALTON STOP IN THEIR TRACKS, HORRIFIED.

KAITLYN
On second thought, let’s make this “to-
go.”

SHE TURNS ON HER HEELS. DALTON STOPS HER AND TURNS HER BACK TOWARDS THE TABLE.DALTONOh, come on. Normally you have to be in a jeep in Africa to get this kind

of entertainment.
DALTON GUIDES KAITLYN TO THE TABLE. HE BEGINS SERVING THE
WINE AND KAITLYN HANDS THE DISH TO CLYDE.

BROOKE
(STICKING OUT HER TONGUE) I win!

CLYDE
Only the olive competition. Can you
juggle brussel sprouts?

BROOKE
Seriously, ‘cause, like, who eats ‘em?
A BEAT. THEY BOTH TURN TO KAITLYN THEN BACK TO EACH OTHER,
CRACK UP AND DO A HAND-JIVE.

BROOKE (CONT’D)
Clyde, you’re so not like a dad.
You’re more like the kids I hang out
with in detention.

KAITLYN
So, Clyde, I’d love to ask you a few
personal questions.

CLYDEYeah, me too. You in the Melissa Etheridge-Mary Cheney camp? It’s cool if you are. I’m a big fan of the genre.

KAITLYN
What?

BROOKE
Yeah, Mom, are you? You haven’t had a
date with a man in like a year and a
half.

KAITLYN
(TO BROOKE) Your Uncle Dalton just
took you to a concert.

BROOKE
Yeah, Raven Simone Live. (TO CLYDE)
What other cool bands have you worked
with?

CLYDEAll the legends, Brooklyn. And they all got their quirks. Steve Tyler only drinks flat Perrier. What is that? Tom Petty’s allergic to green M&Ms. Swells up like a blowfish. And if you’re the last one to get on Willie Nelson’s tour bus, you gotta wash and braid his hair.

DALTON
(TO CLYDE) You’re going to be so much
fun at Thanksgiving. Hope you’re
free!

KAITLYN
Shut up and pour.
KAITLYN SLIDES HER WINE GLASS TO DALTON.
CLYDE
No, let me, K Love.
CLYDE POURS, SPILLING SOME RED WINE ON THE TABLE CLOTH.

KAITLYN
Ah! My good linen table cloth.

BROOKE
It could have been worse. (TO CLYDE)
You could’ve missed the cup the first
time.

KAITLYN
Brooke!

BROOKEWhat? You buy sperm and I’m the inappropriate one? (TO CLYDE) See what I have to deal with?

CLYDE
Hey, the stain’s no problem. When I
was touring with Marilyn Manson, I
learned that white wine can get
anything out of hotel sheets.
Including a pentagram of blood.

CLYDE STARTS TO RISE.

KAITLYN
Please. (REMOVING THE BOTTLE FROM
CLYDE’S GRIP) Remain in your seat.

SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN, GIVING DALTON A LOOK TO FOLLOW.

ACT TWO
SCENE D
INT. DONNINGTON MUDROOM - MOMENTS LATER (N-2)
(KAITLYN, DALTON)
KAITLYN ENTERS, WITH DALTON ON HER HEELS. KAITLYNThis is a nightmare. I’ve introduced Brooke to two Nobel prize winners and an astronaut and she’s flipping over a guy who stocks the band’s cooler with Schlitz. DALTONI think he’s marvelous.KAITLYNAre you kidding me? The man’s a roadie. That’s one step down from carny.DALTONI think he’s a wealth of useful information. You never know when you’re going to have to revive Courtney Love before the encore.KAITLYNDalton, you’re really not the go-to shoulder in times of crises.

DALTONOkay, fine. I’m done gloating. You want him to leave? I’ve dealt with his type before.

KAITLYN
You can’t get rid of this guy by
giving him your lunch money.

SFX: A MOTORCYCLE KICKSTART, THEN ROAR OF AN ENGINE
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND REACT. THEY EXIT INTO THE DINING
ROOM, AND WE:
CUT TO:

ACT TWO
SCENE E
INT. DONNINGTON LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS (N-2)

(KAITLYN, DALTON)
KAITLYN ENTERS FOLLOWED BY DALTON. BROOKE AND CLYDE ARE GONE. DALTON CROSSES TO THE OPEN FRONT DOOR.

KAITLYN
Brooke?
DALTON
She’s on the back of his Harley.

KAITLYN
(YELLING) Clyde! Where do you think
you’re taking her?

DALTON
Could be Mexico knowing him.
KAITLYN
I hope not. She’s failing Spanish.
ON THEIR REACTION, WE:
FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

INT. DONNINGTON LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER (N-2)(KAITLYN, CLYDE, BROOKE, DALTON)KAITLYN PACES, PHONE IN HAND, AS DALTON WATCHES HELPLESSLY.KAITLYNOkay, he’s not answering his cell. I’m trying not to get hysterical. This is all your fault.DALTON My fault? Why couldn’t you have sex and get divorced like every other couple in America?KAITLYNIf you were a cooler uncle, and didn’t take Brooke to Raven Simone concerts --DALTONHold on. Raven’s a beautiful young lady with an electrifying stage presence... And I’m not the one so afraid of having a relationship that I needed a sperm donor.KAITLYNExcuse me, you haven’t had a relationship in three years!

DALTON
Maybe not a “relationship,” but I do
have a very active sex life.

KAITLYN
It doesn’t count if you don’t have
company.

BROOKE AND CLYDE ENTER, EACH CARRYING A MOTORCYCLE HELMET.

BROOKE
Mom, Clyde’s bike is so rad and he can
get us tickets for The Strokes!

KAITLYNWhy bother? You just missed me having one. Where did you go?

CLYDE
A quick run to the liquor store.

KAITLYNGreat. (TO CLYDE) You kidnapped a minor and took her to a liquor store. What’s next? Smuggling guns across state lines?

CLYDE
Look, if you’re pissed, you can just
say it. I was only doin’ fifteen
miles an hour.

KAITLYN
The door is open!
CLYDE
And I’m using it!
CLYDE HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
CLYDE (CONT’D)
Good luck, Brooklyn, you’re gonna need it.
HE RELUCTANTLY TAKES HIS JACKET BACK FROM BROOKE, THEN
EXITS. KAITLYN CLOSES THE DOOR.

BROOKE
What is wrong with you? If you didn’t
want me to like him then why’d you
invite him here in the first place?
You’re just jealous of Clyde.

KAITLYN
Stop talking about Clyde. He is not
your parent.

BROOKE
I wish he was.
BROOKE STARTS TOWARD THE STAIRS, THEN STOPS. SHE PULLS A
BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE OUT OF HER JACKET POCKET AND SLAMS IT ON
THE TABLE.

BROOKE (CONT’D)
And by the way, Clyde got you white
wine to clean your stupid tablecloth.

BROOKE EXITS UPSTAIRS. KAITLYN FALLS ON THE COUCH,
EXASPERATED.

DALTON

I don’t know about you, but I think

tonight was a huge success.

OFF HER REACTION, WE:

CUT TO:

ACT THREE
SCENE J
EXT. WAREHOUSE OUTSIDE CLYDE’S APARTMENT - LATER (N-2)

(KAITLYN, CLYDE)A RUNDOWN BROWNSTONE SOMEWHERE IN BROOKLINE. CAMERA REVEALS KAITLYN SITTING ON THE STOOP. A BEAT, AND CLYDE PULLS IN
FRONT OF THE STOOP ON HIS MOTORCYCLE. CLYDE GETS OFF THE
BIKE AND APPROACHES KAITLYN.

CLYDE
Now what? Did I use the wrong fork
for the salad?

KAITLYN
Yes. But that’s not why I’m here.
I’ve come to... to... this isn’t easy
for me to say... but maybe I misjudged
you!

A BEAT, AS HE TAKES THIS IN, THEN:

CLYDE Nah, you didn’t. You were right on the money. I don’t belong anywhere near you or your kid or your gated community. Guys like me are the reason they build gated communities.

KAITLYN
Clyde, you’ve got plenty to offer.
CLYDE
Ahh, don’t do that.