THE SPERM DONOR
PILOT
"GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER?"
by Mark Treitel & Shoe Schuster

A WELL-APPOINTED, NEATLY ARRANGED OFFICE. IN ONE LEATHER
CHAIR...
KAITLYN DONNINGTON, MID 30S, WELL PUT TOGETHER. WHAT SHE

LACKS IN PLAYFULNESS SHE MAKES UP FOR IN NEUROTICISM. SHE’S
DRESSED CONSERVATIVELY IN A GRAY PANTSUIT.
SHE TALKS TO PRESUMABLY AN OFFSCREEN SHRINK.
KAITLYN

...For the last year, Brooke’s been acting out terribly. Her standard A pluses have dropped to A’s. Even A

minuses! She’s switched from the three R’s to the three B’s: boys, boys, boys. The other day she got two piercings... In the same ear! Frankly, I find her priorities are all askew for a thirteen year old.

And ruin our relationship built
on trust? No way. Instead, I
gave her permission to go to the

KAITLYNBrooke wants to know the identity of the sperm donor. (THEN, WITH GUILT) It’s all my fault. I wanted a child with no father and now it’s eating at my daughter.

KAITLYN
(NERVOUS LAUGH) Guess who’s
coming to dinner? (THEN) I
still haven’t told Brooke about
our special dinner guest.

THE CLOCK BEEPS.
KAITLYN
(SIGHING) I guess time’s up.
WE PULL BACK, REVEALING KAITLYN IS ACTUALLY THE PSYCHOLOGIST.

INT. DONNINGTON LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER (D-1)
A SPACIOUS HOUSE THAT SPEAKS WEALTH. BROWN WOODS, DARK

THE CLUTTER PATROL ON HIGH ALERT. A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING... KAITLYN AND THE PROCTOPHOBE STAND AT THE FRONT DOOR. SHE

KAITLYN
(SHAKING HER HEAD) Brooke,
Brooke, Brooke... Author, not
subject. She must get her alphabetizing skills from her father. (FINDING BOOK SHE WAS LOOKING FOR) Ah, here it is...

(FLIPPING THROUGH) Coq Au Vin?
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS. BROOKE DONNINGTON ENTERS. 13, WEARING

A PRIVATE SCHOOL UNIFORM. SHE’S CUTE AS A BUTTON. COMPARED
TO HER MOTHER, SHE’S A REBEL, BUT NOT THE DEVIL INCARNATE HER

MOTHER MADE HER OUT TO BE.
BROOKE

How were the psychopaths today?
KAITLYN
I’d prefer if you didn’t use

derogatory labels. (KISSING HER
FOREHEAD) Besides, those psychopaths
put a roof over your head.

BROOKE
The House That Freud Built.
KAITLYN PUTS ON A SERIOUS FACE, SITTING BROOKE ON THE COUCH.

KAITLYN
We need to talk.
BROOKE

Uh-oh. Did I sort by subject again?KAITLYN NODS, BUT HOLDS OUT HER HAND, ‘THERE’S SOMETHINGELSE.’ KAITLYN STOPS, SOMETHING CATCHING HER EYE.KAITLYNWhat lipstick do you have on?

BROOKE
Please, don’t start with the
lipstick again.

KAITLYN
That’s not the kind of impression
a young lady should be giving
boys...

BROOKE
She’s started.

KAITLYN
...What if I walked around all day in
fishnets and six inch pumps?

BROOKE
Mom, it’s just lipstick.
KAITLYN HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR BROOKE TO HAND IT OVER.

RELUCTANTLY, BROOKE DOES.

KAITLYN
When you’re twenty-five you can
have it back.

BROOKE GROANS.
BROOKE
Was that your big news?

KAITLYNNo. Tonight there’s something pretty major... Pretty, darn major...

BROOKE
Spit it out, Mom.
KAITLYN
(BLURTS OUT) I’m making dinner!

BROOKE
We should try and have these
heart to hearts more often.
Anyway, I have plans. I’m going
to the movies with Henry.

KAITLYN

Henry? Who’s this?

BROOKE

Just the cutest boy in seventh

grade. And I think he likes me.

KAITLYN

Not under my roof, young lady!
BROOKE

That’s why I’m going to the movies.

KAITLYN
Forget it.	This dinner is too
important.
	BROOKE

What’s so important about it?
KAITLYN
A man from my past is joining us.

BROOKE
A man from your past? (THINKING HARD) Grandpa?

KAITLYN PLACES A HAND ON BROOKE’S KNEE, BRACING HER FOR THE

NEWS, BUT SHE STILL HAS TROUBLE GETTING THE WORDS OUT.
KAITLYN
Tonight...
BROOKE
Mom, you can tell me.
KAITLYN
(BLURTING OUT) The sperm’s coming.
BROOKE
Ewwww!!!
AS KAITLYN REALIZES THAT DIDN’T SOUND RIGHT, WE...
CUT TO:

SCENE B

INT. DINING ROOM - LATER (D-1)
KAITLYN AND BROOKE SET UP A BUFFET. KAITLYN IS OPENLY

EXCITED, WHILE BROOKE TRIES TO HIDE HER ENTHUSIASM.

KAITLYN
...Okay, we have Shepard’s Pie in
case he’s English, haggis in case
he’s Scottish, and matzoh
pinwheels if he’s Jewish...

BROOKE
How do you know he’s not black?
KAITLYN
Because you’re whiter than Brie.

BROOKE
Do we know anything else about
him?

KAITLYN
His donor application said he had
a Masters, loves classical music,
and was a Rhodes scholar.

BROOKE
No wonder you picked him.

KAITLYN
(COY) I thought you’d really
want to meet him.

BROOKE
(HIDING ENTHUSIASM) Nah, I could
care less.

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

BROOKE
It’s him!!!
KAITLYN
I thought you didn’t care.
BROOKE
I don’t!
BROOKE DASHES FOR THE DOOR; KAITLYN STOPS HER.

KAITLYN
Honey, we should savor this
moment. Because whoever is
behind this door, is your genetic
“parent.”

BROOKE FLINGS THE DOOR OPEN TO...
DALTON DONNINGTON, LATE 30’S, KAITLYN’S SNOBBY OLDER BROTHER.

HE WEARS A COUNTRY CLUB JACKET AND PACKS HIS WOODEN PIPE.

THE GIRLS’S FACES LOSE ALL ENTHUSIASM.

BROOKE
Uncle Dalton? Oh God, I’m
inbred!

KAITLYN SHAKES HER HEAD EMPHATICALLY NO. A SIGH OF RELIEF

FROM BROOKE. DALTON ENTERS AS IF HE OWNS THE PLACE.

BROOKE
Don’t you have slums to lord
over?

DALTON
Maybe you don’t understand the
intricate technicalities of the
real estate market, but I develop
lower echelon affordable
tenements for an urban market at
a tidy profit.

BROOKE
(UNDER HER BREATH) Slum lord.
DALTON CROSSES TO THE TABLE OF ECLECTIC CUISINE.
DALTON
It smells like the U.N. in here.

KAITLYN
Dalton, we have company tonight.
It’s really not a good time.

KAITLYN ESCORTS DALTON BACK TO THE DOOR...

DALTON
Fine, I guess you don’t want to
hear that I arranged an audience
with you and the Mayflower
Country Club president!

KAITLYN
(ELATED) You did not?!

DALTON
How would it look if I was the
only Donnington as a member?

KAITLYN JUMPS AROUND.

KAITLYNAll those country club referrals can enhance my practice so much. Brooke, do you hear this?! You’ll be able to have everything you ever wanted?

BROOKE
Mom, I don’t need anything.
(SOTTO) Except maybe a little
independence.

DALTON
Tomorrow night, the prez and a
few board members will be joining
us here for an exclusive cocktail
party. Spritz on that Donnington
charm and you’re in.

KAITLYN DOES A LITTLE DANCE.
BROOKE
Mom, easy on the spritz.
DALTON LOOKS BACK AT THE FOOD, CURIOUS.

DALTONSushi? Norwegian gravlox? Brazilian churrascaria? Are you catering the Olympics?

BROOKE
Dalton, we have a guest coming.
Leave it at that.

DALTON
I guess I could just tell the
Country Club you’re too busy
entertaining people you won’t
tell me about.

KAITLYN LOOKS TO BROOKE, ‘DALTON WILL FIND OUT ANYWAY.’
KAITLYN
The Sperm Donor’s coming.
BROOKE
That still sounds wrong.
THIS STOPS DALTON.

DALTON
You don’t know that man from
Adam! He could be a maniac! A
murderer! Or (SHUDDERS) French.

KAITLYN
(SOTTO, TO DALTON) It would be
good for Brooke to meet him.

DALTON LOOKS SLIGHTLY HURT, NOT A FAMILIAR EMOTION.

DALTON
But I always considered myself
somewhat of a father figure.

BROOKE
You’re barely an uncle figure.
DALTON SNIFFS THE AIR, COMPOSING HIMSELF.

DALTON
I guess this is the thanks I get
for taking you to that
Kierkegaard reading.

BROOKE
You tricked me into going by
saying we were headed to the
mall. Then at the reading, you
made me sit in the car so you
could double park.

DALTON
I cracked a window.

KAITLYN
Dalton, the donor won’t ever be able
to fill in for your once-a-year
flashes of generosity.

DALTON
Promise?

KAITLYN
We’re just meeting him. He’s not
becoming a part of the family.

DALTON, REASSURED, SMILES.

DALTON
Sperm Donor, eh? Well, I can see
why you prepared finger food.

DALTON LAUGHS TO HIMSELF. HE TASTES SOMETHING ELSE AND GAGS.
DALTON
What on earth is that?!

KAITLYNAlaskan whale blubber. (AS IF IT’S OBVIOUS) In case he’s Eskimo.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. EVERYONE FREEZES.
KAITLYN
That must be him.

BROOKE
Yup, I don’t have anymore uncles.
(BEAT) Luckily.

THEY ALL PAUSE AT THE DOOR. BROOKE SMILES. KAITLYN SMILES.

DALTON GRABS AN UMBRELLA, BRACING HIMSELF FOR THE WORST.
KAITLYN HOLDS THE DOORKNOB AND REFLECTS.
KAITLYN
(MEANINGFULLY) Our sperm.
SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO A GUY MAKING OUT WITH TWO HOT GIRLS.

DALTON
Looks like he’s about to make
another donation.

FINALLY, CLYDE BREAKS AWAY FROM THE GIRLS. MID 30’S. HE’S A GIANT TEDDY BEAR. SHAGGY HAIR. BUSTING GUT. ENTHUSIASM TO

SPARE. WEARING A HARLEY DAVIDSON BLACK LEATHER JACKET. MR.

INAPPROPRIATE. THINK JACK BLACK.

KAITLYN
Please tell me you’re a Jehovah’s
Witness.

CLYDEI’m your donor. The name’s Clyde. Like the song... (SINGING) Clyde,

Clyde... Slippity slide.
KAITLYN TURNS TO DALTON, BOTH FLABBERGASTED. BROOKE SMILES...
BROOKE

(TO CLYDE) You rock!!!
ON KAITLYN’S DISGUST, WE...
FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

SCENE C
FADE IN:

INT. FRONT DOOR - MOMENTS LATER (D-1)
CLYDE WAVES GOODBYE TO THE TWO HOT GIRLS.
CLYDE
Thanks for the ride, ladies.
HE SMACKS THEM IN THE ASS AND THEY GIGGLE, EXITING. BROOKE

TAKES CLYDE’S BAGS IN.
BROOKE
Did you hitchhike here?

CLYDE
You gotta laugh at the fools who
waste their money on cars.

BROOKE LAUGHS, LOVING CLYDE. CLYDE LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN.

CLYDE
You must be Brooke. (IMPRESSED)
Wow, you’re the best thing I’ve
ever made in my life.

BROOKE MELTS AND INSTANTLY FALLS IN LOVE WITH CLYDE. SHE

HUGS HIM. KAITLYN AND DALTON REMAIN MORTIFIED, MOUTHS AGAPE.

CLYDE EYES KAITLYN, MAKING HER A TAD UNCOMFORTABLE.

CLYDE
And you must be Kaitlyn, the
hottest thing my sperm’s ever
been in. (OFF KAITLYN’S REACTION) That I can remember.

CLYDE SETS HIS EYES ON DALTON.
CLYDE
Are you the Dad?

DALTON
No, I’m the appalled Uncle.

CLYDE(RE: KAITLYN) I didn’t think you could bag a babe like this. (THEN) Cool pipe. Later, we’ll put the ladies to sleep and smoke one.

DALTON
(SOTTO) I’m surprised he didn’t
miss the cup.

CLYDE
So where is the old man?
BROOKE
I never had a Dad.
KAITLYN
We don’t need a Dad!

CLYDE
Here’s to that. I only saw my
old man once.

DALTON
Let me guess... The state penn?
CLYDE
Yup.
DALTON AND KAITLYN ARE MORTIFIED.

CLYDE
Two weeks before my old man was
paroled, he got shanked.

CLYDE CROSSES HIMSELF. DALTON TAKES KAITLYN ASIDE.

DALTON
You can’t let this man eat in
your house.

KAITLYN
It would be rude not to. So,
he’s a little uncouth.

CLYDE
(ALREADY HELPING HIMSELF TO FOOD)
This whale blubber’s amazing!

CLYDE CONCENTRATES REALLY HARD, THEN LETS LOOSE A FART.
CLYDE
I freed Willy!
CUT TO:

SCENE D

INT. DINING ROOM - LATER (D-1)
KAITLYN AND DALTON SIT ON ONE SIDE OF THE DINING ROOM,

STARING AT CLYDE LIKE HE’S A NEANDERTHAL. HE SQUEEZES SIXCANAPES INTO HIS MOUTH AT ONCE. DALTON AND KAITLYN ARE

DISGUSTED, WHILE BROOKE’S STILL WILDLY AMUSED.
FOOD FLIES FROM HIS MOUTH AS CLYDE SPEAKS.

CLYDE
Do you guys eat like this every
night?

DALTON
You mean with utensils?
KAITLYN ELBOWS DALTON.

KAITLYN
So, Clyde, do you work?
CLYDE

I’ve dabbled as a bouncer.
BROOKE
You must have so many stories.

KAITLYN
How does one dabble at bouncing?
CLYDE

You obviously have never seen “Roadhouse.” The bouncer is the noblest professional. Rule

number one: Be nice.DALTONRule number two: Don’t

inseminate sight unseen.
CLYDE
No, there is no rule number two.

KAITLYN
Do you have any aspirations?
Goals? Anything, Clyde?

CLYDE
I like to live by the seat of my
pants. When you’re aimless, life
can take you places you never
expect.

BROOKE
That’s so cool.

KAITLYN
(COMPLETELY DEPRESSED) Yeah,
really great.

DALTON
Clyde, what if life takes you to
being a drifter whose occupation
is bouncing?

CLYDE
(NOT FOLLOWING) It has.

KAITLYN
I think what Dalton is getting at
is don’t you want to give
something back to society...?
Leave a mark?

CLYDE
See, I think this would all be
cleared up if you guys rented
Roadhouse.

KAITLYN TRIES TO CHANGE THE CONVERSATION.

KAITLYN
You wrote on your donor
application that you had your
Masters. From where?

CLYDE
That was just a little joke.
Because I was about to... (MIMES
JERK-OFF MOTION) masturbate.
No, ma’am, I majored in the
School of Hard Knocks and
graduated in Kick Ass!

KAITLYN PINCHES HER BROW.
KAITLYN
The classical music?

CLYDE
Now that’s true. Clapton,
Hendrix, Zep.

KAITLYN
Rhodes scholar?

CLYDE
I have an excellent sense of
direction.

KAITLYN
(ABOUT TO BLOW HER TOP) Is
anything on your application true?

CLYDE
Sure. I don’t have a history of
heart disease.

BROOKE
Here’s to old age!

KAITLYN TRIES TO MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE.

CLYDE
I almost forgot, I brought a
little gift for... (WINKING TO
KAITLYN) Our little gift.

DALTON
At least he has a sense of
etiquette.

FROM HIS BAG, CLYDE PULLS OUT A SMALL BOX.

CLYDE(TO KAITLYN) I just realized what a rude guest I am. Sorry, I didn’t bring you a gift, Momma... Can I call you that?

KAITLYN
Miss Donnington.
CLYDE
Okay, Missy D.
BROOKE
(OPENING IT) It’s lipstick!

CLYDE
I hope you like that shade. I
see some of the ladies wearing it
nowadays.

KAITLYN
The key word is ‘ladies’ not
little girls.

KAITLYN DRAGS BROOKE OUT OF THE ROOM.
RESET TO:

SCENE E

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS (D-1)
KAITLYN PUSHES BROOKE INSIDE.

KAITLYN
Okay, don’t panic, honey. You
are a wonderful girl with a very
loving mother who now firmly
believes in nurture over nature.

BROOKEMom, I think Clyde’s awesome. He’s like the coolest guy in the world. I’m the luckiest kid. (SINGING) Clyde, Clyde... Slippity Slide...

KAITLYN
(HOLDING HER BY HER SHOULDERS)
I’m a therapist. We’re going to
get you through this hard time.

BROOKE
You’re not listening to me.

KAITLYN
I am. It’s just you’re talking
crazy.

BROOKENo, I’m not. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have a well paying job, or a formal education or a home. He seems like a real sweet guy.

KAITLYN
Honey, no job, ambition or home
does not equal sweet. It equals
loser.

BROOKE
God, Mom, you’re so judgmental.
I hope I grow up to be as cool as
Clyde.

KAITLYN
Not if I can help it. (THEN)
Just the thought of him in my
house is giving me the creeps.

BROOKE
It wasn’t just your house he was
inside of.

KAITLYN
Ewwww!!!
CUT TO:

SCENE F

INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME (D-1)
DALTON SIZES UP CLYDE.
CLYDE
So, Double D, what’s your poison?

DALTON
Hemlock. Listen, Clyde, this is a
stressful time for all of us here.

CLYDEYou wanna pack the pipe? (AIR QUOTING) Don’t worry, I got a ‘prescription’ from a ‘doctor’ in ‘Tijuana.’

DALTON
(IGNORING CLYDE) Listen, old
chum, I’m afraid Kaitlyn and
Brooke are having a hard time
breaking the news to you.

CLYDE
(FREAKING OUT) I knew it! There
was dolphin in that whale
blubber!

DALTON
The news is much worse.
CLYDE
Guppies!

DALTONStop with the fish, Clyde. No, the news is Kaitlyn talked to the sperm bank and there was a mix-up. You’re not the donor.

CLYDE
Are you sure? I spread a lot of
baby batter in my day.

DALTON
I’m sure your contributions were
tremendous, but sadly there was
none of your baby batter cooking
in my sister’s oven.

CLYDE
Oh.
CLYDE STOPS, ACTUALLY PRETTY SAD.

CLYDE
I knew Brooke was too good. I
didn’t think I could produce that
wonderful of a girl.

DALTONOkay... So, here’s a phrase you’re familiar with, ‘Time to vacate the premises.’

DALTON
I should say goodbye...

DALTON
No, this is already hard enough.
Please, Clyde. For Brooke’s sake.

CLYDE

You’re right, long good-byes can
be difficult. Will you tell them
I said I’m sorry I wasn’t their

sperm?
DALTON
It’s the least I can do.

DALTON ESCORTS CLYDE TO THE DOOR. CLYDE EXITS.
DALTON BREATHES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF AS HE WALKS BACK

TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM.

KAITLYN AND BROOKE REENTER.
BROOKE
I got some baby pictures...

Clyde?
DALTON
(AS IF THE BEST THING IN THE

WORLD) I got rid of him!
BROOKE
He’s gone?

DALTON
I didn’t even have to bribe him.
Oh, happy day!

KAITLYN
(SMILING) Thank Goodness-
(OFF BROOKE’S HEARTBROKEN

EXPRESSION, CHANGING HER TUNE)
How could you, Dalton?!
BROOKE RUNS UPSTAIRS, CRYING. DALTON NOTICES KAITLYN’S
SADDENED BY BROOKE’S OUTBURST.
DALTON
Sis, it’s for her own good.

KAITLYN

I know, Dalton. But she really

was taking a liking to him.

DALTON

She can take solace that I did it

as painless as possible. You

know, I’ve been commended by the

Hyannis Chamber Of Commerce for

evicting deadbeats.

KAITLYN HEADS UPSTAIRS TO TALK TO BROOKE.
CUT TO:

SCENE G

INT. BROOKE’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER (D-1)
BROOKE LIES ON HER BED, CRYING. OUTSIDE, A KNOCK.
BROOKE
Go away!
KAITLYN TRIES THE DOOR, IT’S LOCKED. KAITLYN PULLS OUT A KEY

AND OPENS THE DOOR.

BROOKEThat’s it! I’m changing the locks. Again!

KAITLYN ENTERS.

BROOKE
The first good thing that comes
in my life and now he’s gone.

KAITLYN
Dalton’s sorry for what he did.
BROOKE
No, he’s not.
KAITLYN
You’re right. He’s not.
BROOKE
And neither are you.

KAITLYN
I never said a word to Clyde to
make him leave.

BROOKE
You didn’t say anything to him
because you were too busy judging
him.

KAITLYN
I wasn’t judging. I was evaluating.
BROOKE TURNS AWAY FROM HER MOTHER.

BROOKEHe’s out there alone. We don’t even know if he has a place to stay tonight. But it wouldn’t make a difference, because you’d never open up your house to him.

KAITLYN SEES HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO BROOKE.

KAITLYN
If Clyde needed it, I would’ve
opened up our home.

BROOKE
Really?
BROOKE TURNS BACK TO READ HER MOTHER’S FACE.

KAITLYN
(KNOWING CLYDE WON’T) If Clyde
ever came back into our lives,
I’d welcome him with open arms.

BROOKE HUGS KAITLYN. OUTSIDE, THE WINDOW, FLASHING BLUE AND

WHITE LIGHTS.
BROOKE
What on earth...?
CUT TO:

SCENE H

INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

KAITLYN AND BROOKE OPEN THE DOOR TO...

CLYDE SURROUNDED BY TWO POLICE OFFICERS.
POLICE OFFICER
We found him sleeping on a park

bench. He said he had dropped
some sperm here.
CLYDE

I know that’s a lie, but I didn’t
have anywhere else to go.
BROOKE

No, it’s true! You are our sperm!BROOKE PLEADINGLY LOOKS TO HER MOM. KAITLYN’S STUCK, TO GOBACK ON HER WORD TO HER DAUGHTER OR...KAITLYNI’ll unlock the guest house.

CLYDE
Thank you so much. And this time
I brought you a gift.

CLYDE HANDS KAITLYN SEASHELL HAND SOAPS.
KAITLYN
These are from my bathroom.

CLYDE
What can I say? You have good
taste.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

SCENE I
FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING (D-2)
KAITLYN AND BROOKE EAT BREAKFAST. CLYDE WALKS IN, WEARING

KAITLYN’S ROBE. KAITLYN GROANS.
BROOKE
(TO CLYDE) Did you sleep well?

CLYDE
Your guest house is amazing.
It’s as big as any group hostel
I’ve ever crashed at. And it
blows away the dog kennel.

KAITLYN
Clyde-

CLYDE
Please, my friends call me, Big
Daddy Longstroke..

KAITLYN
Clyde, I hate to be the one to
color this whole scene in a harsh
shade of reality, but I offered
you to stay for a few days, don’t
get too comfortable.

CLYDE
I’ll be out of your hair by
tomorrow. (WINKING) Unless my
charm begins to melt ya.

KAITLYN
Just stay out of the kitchen
today. I have to prepare for the
Mayflower dinner.

CLYDE
Have you thought about ordering
in pizza and beer? I’ve always
found it to be a crowd pleaser.

KAITLYN
(FACETIOUS) What an excellent
suggestion.

CLYDE
‘Natch. I got a million more
where that came from.

KAITLYN
I can hardly wait.

BROOKE
Mom, do you mind if I invite a
guest for tonight?

KAITLYN
Which girlfriend?
BROOKE
No girlfriend. Henry.

KAITLYNAbsolutely not. I’m not throwing a mixer. I’ll have my hands full hosting the party. I don’t have time to look after you two.

CLYDE
I could chaperone.

KAITLYN
And who’s chaperoning you?
BROOKE
Please, Mom. Please...

KAITLYN
Fine, invite the boy. But no
hand holding.

BROOKE
Thanks, Mom. You have nothing to
worry about.

BROOKE HUGS KAITLYN.

CLYDE
A first date, how exciting. Good
thing I got you that lipstick.

KAITLYN
Careful, Clyde. Let me go see
what Julia Child has planned.

KAITLYN WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

BROOKE
This is going to be the most
amazing night.

CLYDE
I’m so grateful that you and your
Mom put me up. I wanna repay
her, you know?

BROOKE
It’s fine. Your presence is
present enough.

CLYDEAw, I know she likes me a bunch, but I can see how important it is to your Mom to impress these people. (WHEELS TURNING) We should show them what she’s really good at. (STUMPED) What she’s good at?

BROOKE
Besides ordering me around?
She’s always winning awards in
psychology.

CLYDE
That might be something...
AS CLYDE CONSPIRES WITH BROOKE, WE...
CUT TO:

SCENE K

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (D-2)
KAITLYN AND DALTON ENTERTAIN MR. GREGSON, THE COUNTRY CLUB

PRESIDENT. HE’S THE PERPETUALLY BORED GUY. NOT QUITE ASSTUFFY AS ONE WOULD IMAGINE HIM. OTHER MEMBERS ARE ALSO

THERE. KAITLYN’S DRESSED TO THE NINES.
DALTON

...I prefer the Mayflower golf
course. It’s all about
substance, character...

MR. GREGSON
And suck ups.
DALTON LAUGHS A BIT TOO MUCH. MR. GREGSON WALKS AWAY AND
KAITLYN CATCHES UP.
KAITLYN
Mr. Gregson, I promise if you

give me a chance to be a member,
I won’t disappoint you.
MR. GREGSON

Let me guess, you’ll make sure
the blood remains blue and the
blah, blah, blah... Wow me,

Kaitlyn. Wow me. Please!
GREGSON EXAMINES A FINGER SANDWICH.
MR. GREGSON

How are your finger sandwiches any different? They’re bloody not. (SOTTO) Someone kill me.

GREGSON SIGHS, WALKING OFF.
KAITLYN SPOTS BROOKE WITH HENRY, STANDING A LITTLE BIT TOO

CLOSE. HENRY, 13, SKINNY AND COULDN’T HURT A FLY. PROBABLY A GOOD KID FOR BROOKE. KAITLYN CROSSES AND DRAGS HER AWAY

FROM HENRY.

KAITLYN
What did I say about standing so
close?

BROOKE
Sorry, things just got out of
control. Lucky you saved me
before you became a grandmother.

KAITLYN
Don’t give me ‘tude, young lady.
I’m not in a receiving ‘tude
mood. This night’s a disaster.

JUST THEN, CLYDE ENTERS, IN AN ILL-FITTING SUIT.
KAITLYN
And there’s the H-bomb.
CLYDE
Let’s get this party started.
BEHIND CLYDE, VARIOUS PEOPLE ENTER. THEY ALL LOOK SLIGHTLY

OFF.
KAITLYN
What are my patients doing here?!

CLYDE
I brought the best character
witnesses I could find to show
what a great shrink you are.

KAITLYN’S MOUTH APPROPRIATELY DROPS.

CLYDE(TO THE PATIENTS) Alright, mingle. (TO GUESTS) Don’t crowd the claustrophobes... Let the xenophobes stick together...

(MORE)

And watch your wallets, we got

kleptos.
KAITLYN CROSSES TO CLYDE, FURIOUS.
KAITLYN

Are you trying to ruin everything

I’ve worked for?!
CLYDE

If I was trying to ruin
everything -- I would have
invited the cast of Roadhouse on

Ice. (RETHINKING, HAPPILY)
Actually, if you want that, it
could be arranged.

DALTON, UPON SEEING THE PATIENTS, DISTANCES HIMSELF FROM

KAITLYN.
DALTON

She’s not really my sister.
A COUNTRY CLUB MEMBER STANDS WITH A PSYCHOTIC.
PSYCHOTIC

I get urges to physically harm
myself and others all the time.
At any time...

THE MEMBER BACKS AWAY SLOWLY.

ON ANOTHER MEMBER AND A PARANOID.PARANOID There’s a day of the week the government doesn’t want you to know about. Between Thursday and Friday. (VERY LOW) Thank god it’s... Fursday.

ON ANOTHER MEMBER AND AN OVERSEXED PSYCHOTIC, WHO HUMPS THE

MEMBER’S LEG.

OVERSEXED PSYCHOTIC
Moooo...
ON DALTON AND KAITLYN

DALTON
Looks like Albright’s getting
milked tonight.

KAITLYN
(DEFEATED) And I’m getting
creamed.

FINALLY, WE FIND MR. GREGSON. HE’S ALL SMILES.
MR. GREGSON
At last something different!
GREGSON WRAPS HIS ARM AROUND THE PSYCHOTIC.

PSYCHOTIC
I’d like to mash your eyeballs
through a strainer.

MR. GREGSON
Splendid!
KAITLYN RUNS UP.

KAITLYN
I’m so sorry--(RE: PSYCHOTIC)
He’s not supposed to be around
other people sans medication.

MR. GREGSON
Sorry? Have you lost your mind?
This is just what one of these
kiss-ass-a-thons needed. A
little spice and psychosis.

KAITLYN
It is?

MR. GREGSONUsually these things are such a bore. You’ve done good, Kaitlyn. Welcome to the Mayflower! Now if you don’t mind I’d like to go back to the loonies.

KAITLYN IS ECSTATIC. DALTON BUTTS IN.

DALTON
I always said it would be good to
highlight sis’s professional
work.

MR. GREGSON
Oh, blow it out your blow hole.
DALTON
Right away, sir.
GREGSON WALKS AWAY.

DALTON
(PATTING HIS POCKETS) Has
someone seen my wallet?

A NEARBY KLEPTO WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY AND WE...
CUT TO:

SCENE L

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (D-2)
THE LAST OF THE COUNTRY CLUB MEMBERS AND PSYCHOTICS ARE

LEAVING. KAITLYN APPROACHES CLYDE.

KAITLYN
I guess I owe you an apology.
CLYDE

It’s no big deal. Rule number
one is be nice.
KAITLYN HEARS GIGGLING IN THE CLOSET.

CLYDE
Must be a straggler.
KAITLYN

(SMILING) It can’t be a
claustrophobe.
SHE OPENS THE CLOSET TO FIND BROOKE ABOUT TO KISS HENRY.
KAITLYN PULLS BROOKE AWAY.
BROOKE
Mom!!!

KAITLYN(TO HENRY) Go home and come back in fifteen years! No, make it

twenty!
HENRY RUNS AWAY. BROOKE STALKS TOWARDS KAITLYN.
KAITLYN

How could you embarrass me like
that? Mauling some boy!
BROOKE

Mauling? You ruined my first
kiss!

KAITLYN
Just a kiss now! I know what you
had in mind when you first met
Henry at Snookie’s Cookies.

BROOKE
I never told you where I met him.
Wait, how did you...? (REALIZING)
You’ve been reading my diary!

KAITLYN
(RE: CLYDE) How do you think I
knew to invite this idiot!

CLYDE
Hey!
BROOKE RUNS OUT, CRYING.

CLYDE
Missy D, you might be making too
big of a deal about this. It’s
only a kiss.

KAITLYN
Listen, Idiot C, I don’t know how
you treat your floozies but here,
in my home, a kiss is a big deal.

CLYDE
Just saying, you kind of
embarrassed Brooke.

KAITLYN
Don’t tell me how to run my
daughter’s life! You’re not a
parent.

(MORE)

You’re a secretion whose only

property is how bad it stains.
CLYDE
I take back what I said earlier...

You’re not the hottest person my

sperm’s been in.		You’re the
meanest.	(THEN)	That I can
remember.

KAITLYN
I want you out of my house this
instant!

CLYDE
You can’t kick me out. I’m
leaving!

CLYDE HEADS TO THE EXIT.

CLYDEDon’t worry. You’ll never hear from me again. Tell Brooke I hope she grows up to be a cool gal very NOT like her mother.

CLYDE EXITS, SLAMMING THE DOOR. CLYDE REENTERS, TAKES THE

SEASHELL SOAPS AND EXITS.
CLYDE (O.S.)
You don’t deserve a gift!

CUT TO:

SCENE M

INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT (D-2)
KAITLYN KNOCKS ON BROOKE’S DOOR. THE DOOR’S LOCKED. SHE

TRIES HER KEY. IT DOESN’T WORK.
BROOKE (O.S.)
Ha!
KAITLYN
When did you change the locks?

BROOKE (O.S.)Guess you didn’t know Clyde was so handy? But that doesn’t surprise me. You never got to know him or gave him a chance.

KAITLYN
(TRYING TO BUTTER UP BROOKE)
Brooke, sweetie, honey, dear,
it’s best that Clyde is gone.

BROOKE (O.S.)
That’s right, Mom, you definitely
know best. That’s why I’m crying
and you’re staring at a locked
door!

KAITLYN MULLS OVER HER THOUGHTS, AND WE...
CUT TO:

SCENE N

INT. BUS STATION - NIGHT (D-2)
CLYDE STANDS IN FRONT OF A TICKET WINDOW.
CLYDE
One ticket please.
TICKET VENDOR
Where to?

CLYDE
How far does (EMPTYING WALLET)
forty-five dollars and fifty-
three cents get you?

TICKET VENDOR
Cleveland.

CLYDE
That’s as good a place as any. I
always wanted to check out the
deep south.

CLYDE TAKES THE TICKET AND SITS DOWN, NEXT TO A DRUNK

VAGRANT.

CLYDE
Did you ever feel like your life
was making one stupid mistake
after another?

DRUNK VAGRANT
(CLUTCHING THE BOTTLE) Don’t
think you’re getting any.

CLYDE
Brooke was everything that I
never was.

(MORE)

Sperm Donor 44.

CLYDE (CONT'D)
It’s probably better that I’m not
going to be around to screw it
all up -- like I screwed up
everything else in my life.

KAITLYN (O.S.)
You’re not a screw up.
CLYDE TURNS AROUND. THERE’S KAITLYN, RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
CLYDE
Me or the wino?

KAITLYN
Since you’ve been around,
Brooke’s been happy. And without
you, she’s sad, missing
something.

CLYDE
Brooke wouldn’t have turned out a
great kid if it wasn’t for you.

KAITLYNBrooke would love to tell you different. (THEN) I thought that I could solve everything by introducing you to Brooke, but I’ve now realized, knowing who her father isn’t enough, she needs you in her life. (SMILING AT CLYDE) Would you come and help me with our daughter?

CLYDE
You want me to move in?

KAITLYN
Don’t make me ask again.
CLYDE SMILES.

CLYDE
Sure, I don’t think I have any
pressing engagements. Will we be
sleeping together?

KAITLYN
No.
CLYDE
Sharing the same room?
KAITLYN
No.
AS THEY WALK AWAY...

CLYDE
A little dramatic reenactment of
the sperm donation?

KAITLYN
I should’ve waited out the
adoption process.

CUT TO:

SCENE O

INT. BROOKE’S ROOM - LATER (D-2)
BROOKE LAYS ALONE IN HER ROOM. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
CLYDE (O.S.)
Your probation’s been lifted!
BROOKE
Clyde!
BROOKE OPENS THE DOOR TO CLYDE AND KAITLYN. BROOKE HUGS

CLYDE AND THEN SHE PULLS HER MOM INTO THE HUG.

CLYDEBrooke, call Henry and I’ll pick up some floozies. We’re gonna par-tay! (OFF KAITLYN) Or not.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

TAG

INT. PSYCHOLOGIST HOME OFFICE - DAY (D-3)
KAITLYN TALKS TO A PRESUMABLY OFFSCREEN SHRINK.
KAITLYN

Even though he thinks the
bathroom floor is a towel rack,
takes the radio’s speakers

capacity for volume as a personal
challenge... I’m not sure if he’s
ever paid taxes... Or had to. Oh

well, I guess it will be nice to
have someone around to help with
Brooke although I disagree with

everything that comes out of his
mouth...
THE CLOCK BEEPS.

KAITLYN (CONT’D)
(SIGHING) I guess time’s up.
WE PULL BACK, REVEALING KAITLYN IS COUNSELING THE
PROCTOPHOBE.
PROCTOPHOBE
Are we ever going to talk about

my fear of rectums?
FADE OUT.

THE END

PROCTOPHOBE (OVER BLACK)
Don’t say ‘end!’

A PRIVATE SCHOOL UNIFORM. SHE’S CUTE AS A BUTTON. COMPARED TO HER MOTHER, SHE’S A REBEL, BUT NOT THE DEVIL INCARNATE HER

A NEARBY KLEPTO WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY AND WE...CUT TO:

A PRIVATE SCHOOL UNIFORM. SHE’S CUTE AS A BUTTON. COMPARED
TO HER MOTHER, SHE’S A REBEL, BUT NOT THE DEVIL INCARNATE HER

A NEARBY KLEPTO WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY AND WE...
CUT TO: